Of late I’ve really felt like I have no idea who I am. I’m not going to mammy bash as I love my life and before I discovered my passion for nursing being a stay at home Mammy was all I wanted to be.
I don’t know if it’s through sheer exhaustion but I feel like the real me is hovering above my body laughing at this tired, haggard, forgetful medication dependant mess I’ve become. I’m trying to get in shape and loose the excess pounds I accumulated over
my past 36 years on this planet the last few years. However with everything in my life at the moment I feel uninspired, I look at myself in the mirror and I look old before my time, there was a time in my life that a friend used to call me a clothes horse as everything looked good on me, now I feel scruffy, unpolished.
I’ve always missed my career to a certain extent but I didn’t give up Nursing for Motherhood I gave it up as being a new expat I needed a more social job to make friends. It was the right choice and I didn’t/don’t regret it. I feel a pang of sadness watching Medical programs sometimes, the camaraderie , the bustle of the ward, the fact I was respected for what I did. Now all I get is “oh so you don’t work?” No not really, I’m just responsible for two small lives 24/7, I’m a cook, cleaner, entertainer, I think for everyone in this house, So NO I guess I don’t work. I want to be challenged tho, the one thing that was mine…My Blog has suffered, my friendly banter with people I call friends on twitter has diminished and I’m angry at myself why I have i let it get this way. It’s like I’ve given up on myself, I think mothers of all shapes, sizes, whether your naturally maternal or whether your nanny does it all for you, there’s is so much pressure, to be a good Mammy, that doesn’t shout, or become frustrated, who looks flawless, who bakes for the coffee morning, makes handmade everything, has every child in for a playdate while she has broom up her backside sweeping the floor as she goes along. The friendly advice everyone feel compelled to share..aparently I should feel grateful Miss C doesn’t sleep during the day as she only wakes up once in the night, thanks I’ll try remember that when I put the cereal in the fridge and my body is shaking as it only survives on Nesspresso these days.
Yesterday I had some time off, my parents were here so they babysat while I went to Amsterdam. I had one glass of wine and walked off without my handbag, I found myself drawn to looking at everything for the kids, the house, the husband. Granted I bought two tops for myself but in a kind of that’ll do manner. Where have I gone I always had some kind of pride in my appearance, a bit of get up and go, not really adventurous as im a bit of a scaredy cat but at least a thirst for life. I’m not actually sure if I know how to enjoy myself anymore. how sad is that?
Stuck between a rock and a hard place missing the treat of having your family near you but not ready for the daily mundane grind on being “home” wherever that is. Is this expat life we chose the culprit??? I doubt it without the excitement of traveling I think I would have given up a long time ago.
However now I have to change, snap out of it, be selfish if I need to be as No-one like a Debbie downer, and she isn’t the Mammy I inspired to be *no pressure*