I have to say, that this week being an expat sucks!! I don’t know whether it’s a come down from Amsterdam plants a great weekend with my friends, or the fact I tried to go cold turkey on my meds again but this week life has been a struggle. I took LPV for a meeting with his nursery room leader, who is very nice,  her English is about as good as my Dutch so it’s going to be great fun.He was great he went off playing and was happy as a pig in poop but it’s me, I felt like I had to get out of there as I was going to have an anxiety attack. The pain in my chest was getting tighter, what in god’s name was I doing, leaving my child here. It’s a great place, he’ll be really happy and it’s only one day a week but I kept having visions of LPV being all alone, playing in the corner because he’s the only child that speaks English. Will he forgive me for leaving him? Is going to feel completely abandoned? I wouldn’t be doing it if I were at home, am I selfish for wanting a day??? All these questions haven’t help my mood, Zumba lifted my spirits a bit, although at the begining of the class I felt so lonely, I didn’t know anyone and what’s more I could talk to them even if I wanted too.I feel like I have a void in my life sometimes, always waiting for the next visitor or trip to fill it.

Tomorrow will be a new day and next week we will be in Finland with Jo and Serafina, it will be a great amazing happy fix but will the come down be even harder. I know life would be no better if we were home, easier yes but not better, I still would be on these meds, still have my insecurities about motherhood. I would probably still struggle to find the balance in housewife & mother duties. I don’t want people to pitty me nor am I posting  this to be self-indulgent, I just want answers as to why when life is so good I’m still down, why isn’t my head behaving like everyone elses. The one thing I am grateful for is Facetime, I pretty much talk to my mam & sister everyday, it makes me miss them less. Love you guys.xx


9 thoughts on “Unbalanced

  1. jbmumofone says:

    It will be a great experience for him! Don’t feel bad at all. What an amazing experience that most kids will never get and at such a young age they pick up languages naturally. Enjoy Finland. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want to go there am nearly spitting with jealousy.

  2. Nikki Thomas says:

    I wish I had some answers for you buy I don’t! Being a parent is a tough job and that in itself can be really lonely, so being away from friends and family can only make it harder! You should try and enjoy your ‘day off’ which I’m sure you will after a while and really indulge in a bit of me time. It sounds like you deserve it x

  3. mum obrien says:

    love you too trace you are not being a bad mum by leaving liam for one day , he needs to to find his own way too it will do you both good to have time away from one another , He will be up set at first, but when he relises you will be back later he will be fine its not easy leaving your child for the first even harder for you , but it will be good for liam please stop putting your self down all the time you are a fantastic mum you show him so much love , have a good trip next week hope to see you soon love mum and dad xxxxxxxx

  4. Dad OBrien says:

    Tracy your a great Mam a brill daughter and Iam so looking forward to giving all the Vaughans a big hug when ye pop over this month. Try not to be sad just be glad &
    Give our wee man all the hugs in our absence & stop beating yerself up mrs ,love you loads xxx

  5. mummybigbum says:

    Hey there, this is your first post I’ve read in over a month (it’s also the first of any blog posts I’ve read in over a month) and I found myself welling up after a couple of sentences. So sad, and yet…so familiar. I am one of those people who is either happy and excited, or completely and utterly down in the dumps – no matter how well life is going. I always think that if I went to the doctors and was honest, they would brand it as something and give me something to even out my emotions. But that just seems silly when I have absolutely no reason for not being on top of the world! Luckily I have some really REALLY great friends who know exactly what to do to drag me back up, and I’ve found that retraining my mind and focusing every ounce of energy on something – even if it’s just cleaning the kitchen and how satisfied I’ll be when it’s sparkly – is really useful in keeping going. So just wanted to say I don’t think you’re alone in your feelings.

    Cannot begin to imagine the challenges of being in a non-English-speaking country when there are other things getting you down too, but you are one brave lady for coping. I know exactly how you feel about ‘abandoning’ your baby – I’ve still not taken Sam to nursery and the times I’ve left him for a couple of hours with my mum is verrrry limited. They say though that it gets easier…we will both find out, I’m sure! What I would say though is that it is almost definitely the best thing for him. If that day off is going to help you, then it will help him just as much – I really believe that a happy mummy=happy child. Also, he is going to have a whaaaale of a time being with other children. It is exactly the thing that’ll do him most good. Speaking the same language really doesn’t matter that much at that level of play, and you will be setting him up perfectly for learning dutch gradually, without being overwhelmed by it. He will gain so much confidence from it – I’ve seen friends’ children absolutely blossom after a few weeks of going to nursery for a couple of mornings.

    Finally (yikes this could almost be a blog post in itself!) if you need to see a friendly face, I know a dutch old lady who lives in Gouda (probably no use to you – my geography is terrible) who is the loveliest person ever and one of those old people who want to adopt everyone as their pretend grandchildren. She speaks fluent English and adores small children!

    • Expat Mammy says:

      Thanks hun and welcome back, it’s silly really I feel fine today. I’m glad I’ve got great bloggy friends.xxxxx

  6. mumofthreeboys says:

    Aaw honey, I feel for you it’s got to be so hard fitting into a community when there is a language barrier and we all have good days and bad days but look at you joining in with the locals and attending a zumba class, it doesn’t matter that you don’t talk to them your having time to yourself and enjoying it. LPV will fit in just fine in his toddler class, children don’t need to talk to each other in order for them to play 🙂
    I cry everyday because I feel empty and lonely and I think howcan I feel like that when I have 3 wonderful children who are my life but I think life and motherhood can just get to us sometimes, it’s hard, we all look at otherums and think there coping well and why can’t I be like them but what I don’t I don’t know is that they may be hiding the same lonelines that I feel. Head up Hun and your parents sound so loving and caring 🙂
    Hope you had a good day in Finland Hun x

  7. MsXpat says:

    I find that when I’m busy on a ‘project’ or doing something for someone, I’m fine, happy even. Its when I’m alone in the evenings and my son is sleeping I find that the hardest. By the time hubbies home I’m to tired to share in detail how I’m feeling. Its hard for him at times, he’s lift a smiling wife and returns to a worried woman. Early mornings are sometimes a challenge, I wake into fear, fear of what I know not what. I’m due to start a PND support group soon, maybe I’ll get some answers there.

    I’d say embrace the happy times and don’t loss patience with yourself when you are not 100% every has a bad day a weak moment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s