Forgetting important dates

*Bows head in shame* I”ve done it, I’ve forgotten our anniversary!! We’ve been together for a year and you’ve got me through a really tough period, I don’t know how I could have forgotten. I’m so sorry my dear lovely blog……………………..HAPPY BLOGAVERSARY!! That’s right peep’s it was one year on the 15th Jan that I started talking utter s**te to you lovely readers out there. I can not believe I forgot but in my defence the shizzle be crazy here at the moment.

It got me thinking, what a year this has been for me & LPV how much we’ve changed, how much I’ve changed. I remember it well, stood in my kitchen, expatdaddy’s first day back at work after a great christmas at home and I drop it on the poor bugger “I wanna end it, your better off without me”. Expatdaddy coming home to find me lying on the rug crying with LPV sat next to me, midwife demanding I come to the surgery, the pills to stop me going  crazy and the pills to take when it’s too late, flip out in progress. These emotions are still raw, the guilt of ruining those early days with LPV will always be there. Why wasn’t I a happy Mammy, why did I feel like when I had everything I could ever wished for. I know now, looking back, I’d been through alot I was sick, I wasn’t choosing to feel that way, it’s not my choice to of had those feelings or to still be taken tablets. It was my choice however to do something for myself, something other than crying on my friends, something other than the pills, something that I could turn too to send these feeling out into a void never to be seen again.

Truth be told the blog has helped beyond belief, I not saying by any means it cured me or that I am cured for that matter, there are still moments of darkness but telling it out loud helps, it helps me. I’m pretty sure some loved ones who read become worried, it’s not nice to read but I’m getting those feeling & thought out of my head and for a split second the light goes on again. there has been discussion on the Black Dog Tribe weather sharing helps with depression and I truly believe it does.

In the year that’s past, I’ve picked myself up, met and spent time with some of the most amazing friends I will ever have, celebrated MY OWN SONS 1st birthday(this will always amazing me, I’m a mother), up routed myself again, Oh and gone to see Westlife!! Life has been harder recently but I’m proud to say that I’m dealing with it, ok maybe not as well as others would but for me I’m f**king brilliant. We have a an amazing house, I can feel its homeliness, for once I can say that we have nice neighbours, OK no ones come round with a casserole yet, *checks out the window for Madge Bishop again* but I am actually going next door for coffee tomorrow and dudes I’m excited!! I do feel more relaxed here in the Dam, No it doesn’t have anything to do with “coffee shops”, the green is inspiring me to walk everywhere, I actually went to the petting Zoo and it was open. For the first time in ages, I’m beginning to feel more positive, please god may it last.xxx

 

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